ALL previous world titles CANCELLED

A computer malfunction has been discovered in the key official responsible for doing the ASP math. Well known ASP identity  ‘Bob the numbers Man’ has revealed his laptop (that holds the only copy of all the numbers needed to calculate the ratings and hence who is crowned world champ) has been compromised by a trojan horse virus that has now brought into question ALL previous results and ratings from 1992 ( Kelly Slaters first world title).

Bob is reported to be devastated and has been stood down from his $500k per year part time job with the ASP. Sources have quoted him as saying “Fcuk, a freeking trojan horse, how di that get into my computer… I, I don’t even bet on the horses”

When it was explained to a devestated Bob, that horse racing had nothing to do with it but more likely it was a virus that contaminated his laptop via some ‘less safe’ web sites, Bob quickly tried to dispell any questionable use of his lap top saying…“hey , yeah i may have occassionally logged onto a few ‘girly’ web pages, but everybody does a bit of that stuff and besides it gets a bit lonlely on tour away from the wife and all, but it was only regular porn…no animals or horses involved…jeez I’m not a sicko or nuthin”

Questions are now being asked of wether Mr Slater was behind the affair in him winning such an unheralded number of world titles and how it could be possibly so. Some are suggesting that it has been a long held opininion in surfing circles that the famous Mr Slater, was in fact not a very talented surfer at all and had in fact pulled a range of ‘stunts’ over the past 20 years to gain attention and boost his ratings.

Sources close to the tour cite examples such as Mr Skater being a non drinker who would often simply have an early night instead of getiing very intoxicated (shitfaced is the surfing term), not doing drugs, shaving his head in an attempt to make others believe he was balding and feel sorry for him, studing his golf game so as to play at a level that gained him powerfull friends in high places, riding outrageous surf board designs that were too thin, too short etc to confuse all the other competitors and gain him an unfair advantage, dating hollywood stars like Pamela Anderson which drove his competitors into fits of jealousy when he turned up with her in low cut attire at major events…apparently the list of his ‘stunts’ goes on endlessly.

Wether the FBI will be brought in to investigate if Bob and Mr Slater, or anyone else, was involved is yet to be determined but what ever the outcome of this shocking revelation that has rocked the surfing world, on thing is for sure, major questions will be asked as to wether Mr Kelly Slater can really be held out as a champion surfer, or is he part of an elaborate hoax?

Rocky

That’s good, Rocky. You made my day (it’s 9 AM here).

always good for a laugh.

Now crawl back under your rock!

always good for a laugh.

Now crawl back under your rock!

always good for a laugh.

Now crawl back under your rock!

to my adoring audience…messers balsa and chrisp, thatk you and thank you…my aim is to please , I hope your aim is better!

but take heed of my words gentlemen, you have not heard the last of the intriuging saga of "Bob the numbers man’…mainly because i am bored sh&tless and will leave no stone unturned to get to the bottom of this global ASP conspiracy…tapes of Mr slater surfing ALL asp events are being carefully studied by a crack team of investigators to determine how many 'standins 'were used t make a 40 year old surfer really look like a balding 20 year old…the thick plottens!!

Rocky

All you have to do is watch the finals of the Pipe or other events to know #####'s have nothing to do with it.   The Boy's the Man.

At least you didn’t say - Cance11ed

Was Oswald somehow involved?  Did Pete Rose bet on the outcome?  Stay tuned...

Breaking news: the real 11-times world champion would actually be an underrated Wilbur Kookenmeyer.

Hey Huckels,

Cutting to the chase, lee harvey (amongst others) was looked at but after lenghty deliberation it was accepted that, in fact, he was really dead some decades earlier and was ruled out as being involved with Bob or Mr Slater.

However, you have hit a nerve in regard to how deep this may go and without revealing too much…let me say  that investigations are now focussing one one MR Obama, who had some history surfing in Hawaii and links to Indonesia.

It is early days re these latest breakthroughs although suffice to say that the original video featuring Mr Slater was titiled “Kelly slater in Black and White”. Such a racist title has sparked an enquiry as to the similarities between Mr Slater and Mr Obama in so much that skin color differences coud easily be explained by Mr Slater spendind so much time in the sun and Mr Obama not spending as much. Could they be related…maybe even siblings. yes there are differences such as hair type (none v tight curly) but that maybe all and why on earth would Mr slater title a video “Black and White” if there was not more sinister connotations to this apparent co-incidence.

Investigations are ongoing and any tips like huckles has added would indeed help the authorities to get to the bottom of this very suspicious event.

Stay alert, trust no-one

Rocky

Rock, good one.  love it.  the best lies contain a kernal of truth.  ( but, don’t get me wrong, Kelly is still my guy)

What's really funny is that it appears that Kelly himself was the one who caught the mistake; the fact that he juggled high-school with pro surfing all those years ago enabled him to catch a math error that somehow eluded the powers that be.

When it's all done, this one will probably be filed under ''any publicity is good publicity''. We're all talking about it, lol.

[quote="$1"]

...dating hollywood stars like Pamela Anderson which drove his competitors into fits of jealousy when he turned up with her in low cut attire at major events.....

[/quote]

Shockingly, allegations of deception even in this matter have been implanted in the minds of some, although others claim the allegations are overblown by those who are inflating the matter entirely out of proportion.  Details at "11"!!!

You mean to say this is not a nude shot of a true world champion?

Gutted!

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

Maybe he should of stuck with a calculator…

/\   Photo caption: ''Hmmm, I think I'll win 11 world titles before I'm 40...."