A computer malfunction has been discovered in the key official responsible for doing the ASP math. Well known ASP identity ‘Bob the numbers Man’ has revealed his laptop (that holds the only copy of all the numbers needed to calculate the ratings and hence who is crowned world champ) has been compromised by a trojan horse virus that has now brought into question ALL previous results and ratings from 1992 ( Kelly Slaters first world title).
Bob is reported to be devastated and has been stood down from his $500k per year part time job with the ASP. Sources have quoted him as saying “Fcuk, a freeking trojan horse, how di that get into my computer… I, I don’t even bet on the horses”
When it was explained to a devestated Bob, that horse racing had nothing to do with it but more likely it was a virus that contaminated his laptop via some ‘less safe’ web sites, Bob quickly tried to dispell any questionable use of his lap top saying…“hey , yeah i may have occassionally logged onto a few ‘girly’ web pages, but everybody does a bit of that stuff and besides it gets a bit lonlely on tour away from the wife and all, but it was only regular porn…no animals or horses involved…jeez I’m not a sicko or nuthin”
Questions are now being asked of wether Mr Slater was behind the affair in him winning such an unheralded number of world titles and how it could be possibly so. Some are suggesting that it has been a long held opininion in surfing circles that the famous Mr Slater, was in fact not a very talented surfer at all and had in fact pulled a range of ‘stunts’ over the past 20 years to gain attention and boost his ratings.
Sources close to the tour cite examples such as Mr Skater being a non drinker who would often simply have an early night instead of getiing very intoxicated (shitfaced is the surfing term), not doing drugs, shaving his head in an attempt to make others believe he was balding and feel sorry for him, studing his golf game so as to play at a level that gained him powerfull friends in high places, riding outrageous surf board designs that were too thin, too short etc to confuse all the other competitors and gain him an unfair advantage, dating hollywood stars like Pamela Anderson which drove his competitors into fits of jealousy when he turned up with her in low cut attire at major events…apparently the list of his ‘stunts’ goes on endlessly.
Wether the FBI will be brought in to investigate if Bob and Mr Slater, or anyone else, was involved is yet to be determined but what ever the outcome of this shocking revelation that has rocked the surfing world, on thing is for sure, major questions will be asked as to wether Mr Kelly Slater can really be held out as a champion surfer, or is he part of an elaborate hoax?
Rocky