I went on a trip with The 40-Year Old Barrel Virgin. He’s a surfer, just like you or me, except Donny made a few wrong turns in life, and ended up married to a beautiful girl, three kids, living in the valley, with a high paying finance job. Hey, we all make mistakes. But now things are looking up for Donny, whether he knows it or not: recently his wife left him, meaning more time for surfing and selfishness. We brought Donny along on a surf trip to cheer him up.
<a href="http://oascentral.surfline.com/RealMedia/ads/click_lx.ads/www.surfline.com/articles/L25/1010657496/Middle1/Surfline/broadband_secretthor_middle1/26405507/534e786271456964723045414266416c?premium" class="bb-url"><img src="http://oascentral.surfline.com/RealMedia/ads/adstream_lx.ads/www.surfline.com/articles/L25/1010657496/x09/Surfline/broadband_secretthor_middle1/26405507/534e786271456964723045414266416c?premium" alt="" class="bb-image" /></a> All was well until Donny unzipped his boardbag and pulled out his equipment. First up was an $800 red resin-tint bonzer egg with retro logo. We all groaned. Donny's brother, a hardcore surfer who tends to communicate primarily by stating facts about Chuck Norris, said "Chuck Norris thinks retro boards are for Feminists, Dirts and Pinkos." Dirts aside, I was simply doubtful that Donny would slot barrels on his trendy slab, and said so.
“But come on,” Donny said. “Haven’t you seen Sprout? Guys are ripping on these boards! This board worked great at the 'Bu last weekend!”
We all groaned again. Donny watched Sprout more frequently than he surfed. He also wore skinny hipster jeans, iPhone with Bluetooth headset, and limited edition Marc Jacobs Vans Slip-Ons. The groaning got louder when Donny pulled out his second board: A down-rail pin-lined 6’6" quad Lis-inspired fish with lovingly laminated wood fins.
“Chuck Norris rode a retro quad by mistake once,” Donny’s brother stated. “Chuck Norris snapped off the fourth fin and used it as throwing star to sever the jugular of the kook who loaned him that quad.”
“But this one will work for sure,” Donny hopefully suggested as he pulled out his third board: a eucalyptus and hemp keel twin with organic pine tar glassing.
“Chuck Norris might smoke it or burn it, but he sure as hell wouldn’t ride it,” Donny’s brother growled.
“No, really,” Donny pleaded. “The wood has the glide. I’ll definitely get barreled on this.”
And that’s when it happened. We all looked at each other for a moment, blank expressions on our faces, as we tried to picture Donny getting barreled. Nothing came to mind; not one image from all the long decades we’d been surfing together. “Wait,” I said. “Donavon, have you ever even been barreled?”
“Oh, sure,” Donny stammered. “I’ve like totally been in the green room, you know, um, like pumping up and down and stuff… and then when the spit comes, that’s the best part, it feels like a, um… like a spit massage or something.”
It was all the confirmation we needed. Donny was a 40-Year-Old Barrel Virgin. How could this have happened? How could Donny have gone all those years without getting tubed once, by mistake even? Ashamed by the very concept, we grasped at an easy target: blame the Retro Boards.
The Case Against Retro Boards
We spent the next few days watching Donny bog in barrels, trying to convince him that we were right about Retro Boards, while he was wrong. It became quite the topic of conversation, right up there with what an evil monster Donny’s estranged wife was. In fact, it was such a talking point, I even emailed some experts for their opinions on the matter: 2001 World Champ CJ Hobgood, and premier surf historian Matt Warshaw.
Some key points from the battlefield, as presented by the anti-retro contingent:
- Retro Boards are undeniably fun in summer slop. But when the waves get serious, and there are kegs to be tapped, Retro Boards have a tendency to track straight to the base of the wave, or get hung up on the high line. Translation: In good waves, Retro boards are most fun when other people are riding them. Your trendy bro gets pitched over the falls on his shiny relic, while you get barreled on a standard board. "I'm sure they work when its ankle high burgers," CJ Hobgood told me. "But when the waves get good, watching crew trying to get them to work is pretty classic. There's always a price for being cool."
- As CJ points out, people are only riding them because they're cool. Blame Sprout, blame Rob Machado, blame Mullosk, blame nostalgia... "In Florida trends normally get overlooked," Hobgood told me, "And I don't see as many retro fishes. But when I go to my brother's house in Encinitas, watch out. Unless you're a grom, you can't find a shortboard."
- Retro boards are fools' gold, and should be used with discretion. "I'm sure it feels like you're ripping on a board that you could've actually gotten two shortboards worth out of with all that foam and resin," CJ notes. "But truth be told don't be scared to go back to that shortboard or fish or quad or gun. I do when the time's right. Not everyone can get a 5'10 flyer to work at 6 to 8 foot Bells, Slater you freak."
- Let sleeping dogs lie. Each retro design had a place in surfing history, but history is best left for the historians, like Encyclopedia of Surfing author Matt Warshaw. "All those retro boards worked great -- when they weren't retro," Matt told me. "Any shortboard rode like a miracle in the late '60s, compared to longboards; the stinger felt loose and pivoty after the basic roundpin single; the twin was REALLY loose compared to ANY single -- on down the line. But going back to any of those boards today means you're either a fashion victim (80% of the fish riders?) or such a hot surfer that you're just bored with regular equipment (Machado)."
- Donny's brother also offered the following in summation:
a. "Chuck Norris knows that Simon Anderson invented the thruster. Chuck Norris isn't sure who designed your retro board, but Chuck Norris suspects he might have been French."
b. “Chuck Norris rode a quad once in the '80s. He made sure to get an STD test afterwards. We didn’t know all the facts back then.”
c. “If Chuck Norris caught the last wave, the next wave still belongs to Chuck Norris.”
“You’re going too low 'cause you’re on that crap retro board. You need to draw a high line. Point your leading arm towards the exit of the barrel, and that’s where you’ll go.”
“You’re out-running the tube 'cause you’re on that crap quad fish. You need to slow down more.”
“You can’t fit in these tubes because your stance is all wrong. You’re bending at the waist when you should be bending your knees. That and the retro board are not helping.”
“Donavon, your problem is that you’re putting the barrel on a pedestal. DON"T PUT THE BARREL ON A PEDESTAL.”
“Chuck Norris might smoke it or burn it, but he sure as hell wouldn’t ride it,” Donny’s brother growled.
“No, really,” Donny pleaded. “The wood has the glide. I’ll definitely get barreled on this.”
And that’s when it happened. We all looked at each other for a moment, blank expressions on our faces, as we tried to picture Donny getting barreled. Nothing came to mind; not one image from all the long decades we’d been surfing together.
“Chuck Norris pictures the tube like a woman’s vagina. You need to be forceful to get to it, gentle to get into it, and then you need to run like hell when things start to go bad. Unless you’re Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris runs from no one.”
The more vigorous and brash our advice, the less Donny seemed to listen to it. In fact, Donny’s unwillingness to acknowledge our suggestions became emblematic of his general stubbornness in life.
“You just won’t listen!” we’d scream at Donny.
“You’re such a child!”
“It seems like you don’t respect our opinions one bit! All you care about is yourself, and in your twisted little world, Donny is always right, even when he’s getting pitched over the falls on a retro quad.”
The Consequences of Retro Boards
By day 12, Donny had all but checked out. He began wearing earplugs in the water, iPod earbuds on land. Finally he escalated and began wearing his earplugs on land, too. So we taunted him even more, and louder.
<a href="http://oascentral.surfline.com/RealMedia/ads/click_lx.ads/www.surfline.com/articles/L25/1644040729/Middle1/Surfline/broadband_secretthor_middle1/26405507/534e786271456964723045414266416c?premium" class="bb-url"><img src="http://oascentral.surfline.com/RealMedia/ads/adstream_lx.ads/www.surfline.com/articles/L25/1644040729/x09/Surfline/broadband_secretthor_middle1/26405507/534e786271456964723045414266416c?premium" alt="" class="bb-image" /></a> Eventually, Donny, the nicest, coolest guy ever, snapped and told us to go f--k ourselves.
“Chuck Norris does not f–k himself,” Donny’s brother muttered. “Chuck Norris f–ks everyone else.”
Donny sighed. “I’m just sick of being lectured, and put down, and told what to do,” he said. “My boss and everyone else in the world has been doing that for a year, and this was supposed to be a vacation from all that. I’ve heard this all before - whether it’s retro boards or me getting nailed for the sub-prime thing, as if it was my fault.”
No one knew what to say. We felt like jerks. It made me think of the final thing Matt Warshaw had told me about retro sticks; that we only heckle others’ boards because our anger needs a channel. “The bottom line is, the only reason any of us put down anyone else’s equipment choice – spongers, longboarders, retro-boarders - is that it all of it comes out of being pissed off at how crowded it is. Nobody should give a shit what anybody else rides. Everybody’s pissed at the crowd, and the anger needs a channel, and board choice is the easiest thing to poke at.”
On one of the last days of our trip, Donny borrowed a standard stock thruster. The waves were perfect that day - we surfed for eight straight hours fueled only by sips of water and warm Coca Cola. From the start, we all knew that it was THE DAY; Donny was going to get barreled. For one thing, the barrels were almost unavoidable: so plentiful, thin-lipped and persistent that you couldn’t help but get in them.
“It’s like tubes with training wheels,” I told Donny’s brother.
“Chuck Norris doesn’t need training wheels,” he told me. “Chuck Norris can’t be trained - just ask the POW camps that have tried to contain him.”
In the end, Donny got tubed. He lost his barrel virginity on that stock thruster, with a postcard-perfect four-foot wall stretching out to infinity in front of him. Donny saw the lip throw over his shoulder, while his $800 retro tint egg lay on the beach, and his tube was confirmed by two witnesses. It was a legit barrel, one to be proud of, and we all hooted and cheered and Donny felt somewhat redeemed for the first time in ages.
Although I will admit, as soon as Donny caught the next wave, his brother turned to me and pointed out, “Chuck Norris would have gotten deeper.”
