I was surfing the other day…yes surfing. A seal comes up right next to me and blows seal breath all over me. I mean stinky green seal breath. I’m talking about 3 feet away from me…just pops up and, Baloophfffff. I’m wiping anchovy scales and fish eyes off my spring suit. Then a few days later, the water is crystal clear. Mr. Blubberass swims under me and lays a 12" seal turd right under me. I mean fully crop dusted by the piniped. Peices of sardines and partially digested squid all over the place. Ever smelled one of those? Makes the fish section in an asian supermarket smell like a bakery.
Coincidence? I don’t think so.
So last week I’m fishing. 40 miles from land…guess who shows up? That’s right…Mr Knothead. Ol stinky proceeds to steal 75% of all fish we catch. WTF were 40 miles out to sea. 4 days later I’m fishing inshore off of la Jolla, I watch Lt.Turbbreath and his 30 brothers ruin my Saturday… stealing bait, stealing caught fish… probably steal my beer if they had thumbs to open the cans. I mean just general mayhem. Way out of control. This year seems way worse than others, is it me? or are they just following me? Do you think they have it out for me, or am I just paranoid?
My Dad used to call that “catch your smell”. I tink dat seal wen go catch yo smell.
I was at Seaworld in the 80’s and the walrus hosed a kid next to me. Just barely got away, but my wrist and watch got blasted. That was some kind of stink.
Smelly breath and misplaced turds are small nuisances when it comes to what we’ve been doing to them for years. i.e. as yet we don’t have to swim in their bum chowder or toxic mess, or avoid all their water craft.
But I reckon the real revolution in nature will come from the insect world. I don’t trust them at all. They’ve too many eyes, they’re fast and they’re immune to gravity… they’re just watching, with 100 eyes, and waiting…
What so now I’m supposed to treat them like an indian tribe and give them casinos? (don’t get me on that topic…I’m trying to stay on the ocean here) Them animals is sea dogs for christs sakes, and there is a population explosion because we gave them national protection in 1974, them we gave them some prime turf that was meant for the little kids of San Diego way back in 1920’s. Mrs Scripps gave the land to the city, for the kids of San Diego…They even build a cool sea wall to stop the 20 ft plus waves at Pickleweed Pt. It’s time to stop treating them like indians, it’s time the are no longer protected.
OK, I can hear the bleeding hearts of the seal protection squad…paddling up on there Mallory Brothers, bio, hemp, maple syrup coverd boards…in there plaid wool shirts. Save the world!, Save the WORLD…Hey What about the decimated " virtually extinct" Pacific Coho Salmon population, most of that can be blames now on the exploding seal population,and us protecting them for too long…I’m on board with saving the world, don’t get me wrong here.
We have no less than 10 major islands off of the Southern California, and Northern Baja that have beautiful rookeries for seals. I’m talking probably over 500 coastal miles, most of it human free. I say send the pinapiduals packing, or at least scare them off?
Here’s what we need to do:
seals hang out in groups? So obviously they will bend to peer pressure…just like you
2)I get a couple (like 3) of you bleeding heart Swaylockers (you know who you are) and i dress you up in sexy seal costumes.
I’ll make (at my expense to the cause) a super sluth seal costume tow board that works on top & below the water. complete with a chasity like device…for you protection
I’ll tow you behind my boat (at my expense for fuel)
Here’s how it works:
the 3 of you put the sexy seal costumes on, and make 4 passes from PB Point to La Jolla shores. The male blockhead seals will see your sexyness and want a peice of you action.
Go just fast enough to keep the seals from loving you up, but fast enough to tease them…you’d better hang on to the rope, or your going to be full of humpalove.
I now tow you 3, and potential 300-400 male seal lions to some undisclosed outter CA island.
This is the bonus point. Your attraction will bring in GW sharks. I’ll have another swaylocker with a 12 gauge shot gun and blast the sharks as they get close to you!!?
I hear that seal is a very filling meal. like a 1x3x2 inch block will make you feel full. I say pop a cap in a few of those mothers and sell them to china. they will eat anything over there.
A friend at Cardiff Reef was minding his own, when a seal popped up next to him and started BITING HIS BOARD. My friend, Grant, slid off his board to the opposite side of the seal for safety, and the crazy thing started munching the rail, moving down the side if the board. It even made a lung for Grant’s arm! When the seal was on the tail…board in mouth,
and Grant was at the nose, he started shoving the board hard at the seal’s mug. It finally swam away, leaving one whole side of the board with a chewed up rail, and Grant thinking, “What the bloody 'ell was that all about?”
We need to track down that seal and cuff him…errr, well…catch him. And ship him out. He appears to be a criminal.
