Went to the local Stand Up Paddle store today, cause I had been reading in Outside magazine how This Is The Thing To Do these Days.
Mind you, I wasn’t about to just jump into this like an idiot.
So I first signed up for the YOGA SUP classes in the pool, figuring if I can do the Downward Dog on an inflatable SUP, the real deal would be a cinch.
Damn, almost blacked out there when that slippery bitch flew out from under my feet, and I hit the side of the pool. Definitely dented the gel.
Got thru a few lessons, kicked ass and took names. now time to do this.
So listened to the SUP guy telling me why the green one was better then the red one, why the $400 ergo graphite and kevlar paddle was better then the $300 graphite paddle, made my choice and handed over the Black AmEx card. Paid extra for the GoPro camera which the SUP guy mounted on the nose, pointing back at me of course.
Uh, have you ever tried to strap a SUP onto the roof of a Porche?
So had to go back to the condo, swap my Porche for the Range Rover, come back to the SUP store for my new gear, and finally headed off to the beach.
Went exactly where they guy in the SUP store told me, saw the pier, all those surfers, but couldn’t find a damn parking place.
So I’m cruising around looking for a parking spot, listening to Usher just rip it up on the stereo, when I see some deadbeat looking longhair changing out of his wetsuit next to his crappy old car.
so I pulled over and offerred him a $100 for his parking place, and he snapped at it like my pedigree Golden Retriever, the Dude Man, snaps at the left over Filet Mignon.
Got parked, pulled my gear off the roof, put on my Speedo’s and launched from the beach.
And hey, how was I supposed to know when I fell on my second stroke that my board would shoot out from under me and nail that fat chick floating in the shorebreak?
She was screaming like I had murdered her. Toughen up, bitch, it was just a bloody lip.
So I finally got myself steadied, and paddled out towards the surfers, planning on getting a good one.
So I make my way into the lineup, ignore the looks I’m getting from some obvious losers, see a good one coming, and reach down to turn on the camera to catch all the action. The bro’s at the office are gonna dig that footage of me ripping it up. Just like that heli ski trip I made last year.
Only as i begin to turn my board, this giant wave suddenly hits me before I’m all the way around, and I go flying, desperately trying to hold onto my $400 paddle, getting drug underwater, think my board hit something, finally come up for a breath of air.
And while I’m trying to climb back on my SUP, another wave hits me, pulls the board out of my hands, and it extends to the end of the leash and clunks this guy right in the head.
Boy, does he get pissed. Start yelling at me, calling me names, going nuts.
So I start yelling back, telling him it’s a free ocean, I have as much right to be there as him.
Now this guy is spitting mad, yelling something about surfing there since the days of Cora, or Dora, I don’t know, who cares?.
And the next thing you know, another guy paddles up to me, red faced and yelling, telling me my board hit his friend on the first wave, and hurt him so he went in.
Now everyone is yelling at me, so I just point my SUP towards shore, and thankfully another wave came in and pushed me almost all the way in.
Back home, I stored the SUP in the condo storage unit along with all the other cool stuff I own, and headed up the elevator.
Thinking it was just like guy at the SUP store said it was.
Watch out for those prone surfers, they can be real assholes…